I don’t always go places. Sometimes I just get on my bike and go for a ride. Just to get the body moving, the blood flowing. I struggle with anxiety and depression due to trauma, so the movement is so important for me. On the days when I don’t cycle, it can be difficult to even get up off the sofa. I do not know if you know anyone who has anxiety, or maybe sometimes you yourself know that feeling in the pit of your stomach that is just the nothing. It’s like being dead already, but not. I am alive, I know I am alive, yet there is nothing, not even emptiness. That is depression and there are days I think it is going to win, and I will give in to the deep dark nothing and wither away like old dead brown leaves in the winter wind.
That is depression and there are days I think it is going to win, and I will give in to the deep dark nothing and wither away like old dead brown leaves in the winter wind. Maybe this is my warrior spirit, because I refuse to let it win. I may do as I have done, and succumb for months at a time, like a reptile without any warmth, not moving, not even looking out the window, some days not even opening the curtains for fear of what I will see on the other side of the glass. It is historically proven that Dutch winters do this to me, some winters are worse than others and this past winter was a killer.
I can feel life changing, growing and adapting to fit this new way of living for me. I’m 40 years old and I’ve had 43 addresses in my life. I do not want to move house anymore. This past winter I allowed myself to feel fear and sadness and mourning for all that I have lost along the way, and darlings, that has been an unfathonamble amount. Maybe one day we’ll talk about it, but for now we will speak of spring, and growth, and change. Not so long ago, before the green had burst to life upon the trees a dear and darling friend of mine had given me a challenge; 7 days of nature images on my Facebook. Normally I don’t respond to these silly games on facebook, yet something about this lite a spark in me. The landscape where I live is dreamy, sometimes it is sad and dreary and lonely, and sometimes it is a dreamscape, a place to let your fairy soul run wild with ideas and thoughts of love, laughter and summer sun. So, unlike me, I accepted the challenge and went about making pictures. I started from the sofa to be honest, still not ready to venture out into the world. I took pictures of the squirrels and birds and bats that visit my yard every day, and what I couldn’t photograph I found online to share with my friends. On about day 3 I decided to venture outside, further than my daily walks with my dog, observing the world around me looking for pretty pictures to share with my friends. It worked.I started to see the world around me, started to hear the birds singing and see the slugs slowly crossing the bike path after a morning rain. I noticed the farmers, going back to their fields, removing the old, dead winter and preparing the fields for spring. Spring was on the way and I was watching it happen, moment by moment. There is a very specific scent to Twente when spring returns. It is the mest, the fertilizer the farmers use to prepare the fields. It smells like shit, but clean, earthy shit, which I suppose probably doesn’t seem appealing, untill you’ve spent months sitting in your house wondering when the sun will return and then all of a sudden when you open the front door the smell hits you in the face and you know, spring is in the air.
The winter days here are very short, in the depth of winter the sun is gone by 4:30 in the afternoon, darkness has set in and stays in. The positive side of this is during the spring and summer months the days are longer, fuller. On the longest day of the year there is still sunlight in the sky well after 11pm ( Now I feel like bursting into song as if I were John Travolta or Oliva Newton John, “Bu-ut, oh.. those summer nii-iights”) This year, I began to notice as the days got longer, as the trees became greener and the skies so much intenser with warmth from the sun.
As the days became drier and lighter I ventured out further on my bicycle watching as the trees and fields became greener. This year, I saw the day, the first day the trees where green. I observed nature happening around me and it was invigorating. The skies became bright blue, the clouds that soft fluffy white that you wish you could just fall back into and watch the sun dance across the sky. My legs becan to feel stronger, my heart began to beat and the movement of my bicycle began to free my heart from the grip of winter and I took joy in watch
ing the world come to life after a long, cold, grey winter.
Spring is in the air. Life has returned to the forest. The deer and the rabbits play, the birds sing, and for now, this Red Sonja Rides.
Untill next time.